I just pynch a tree in the face
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
