I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
