Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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