i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
