LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
