upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
