I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
