I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Randomize
