Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm too high and old for this...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
