Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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