I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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