dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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