I'm eating all of the evidence.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
