To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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