I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
