I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
