Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
