I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
