Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
