The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
