I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
