So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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