Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
