I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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