those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize