Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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