Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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