I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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