to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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