Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
