Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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