This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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