thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
