Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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