I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize