So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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