singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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