We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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