sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
