I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
