she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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