Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You're a waste of cheezeits
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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