I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
