i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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