I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
