I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
