Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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