My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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