I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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