omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
