After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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