I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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