Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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