Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
