how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
