I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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