you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hippo gnu deer
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize