I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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