I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
