When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
