I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
