before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
