ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
