theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
