The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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