All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
