Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
